Left Off the List

Rejected. That's how we feel when the invitations go out, but one doesn't arrive in our mailbox. As we near the end of summer wedding season, maybe you know what I'm talking about. You assumed you'd be invited. In fact, you arranged your schedule in advance to be able to attend. Then, five weeks before the wedding, you realize your invitation hasn't come. "Maybe their running behind," you tell yourself, knowing the insanity that ensues in the weeks leading up to the big day. Four weeks before the wedding, you make a few snarky remarks about the postal service. Three weeks before, you can no longer deny the reality--you just weren't invited. Some of us at that point might get angry. Most of us just feel hurt. We wonder whether we did something to offend the bride or groom. Once we have convinced ourselves that is not the case, we are further saddened by the thought that we just didn't matter enough to be included. All this sorrow is unnecessary, however, if we would just alter our perspective a bit.

First, think about it from the bride's perspective. I saw this firsthand in recent weeks, when a colleague was preparing for her wedding. She had a limited budget and, therefore, a limited guest list. I watched the bride-to-be labor over whom to include, knowing, as she did, that there would inevitably be hurt feelings. She decided the best approach was all-or-nothing: all the cousins, or none; all the sorority sisters, or none; all the nieces and nephews, or none. If neither cousin Sally nor cousin Sue was invited, they wouldn't be hurt, she reasoned. But that's not how it worked out. Cousin Sue rang the bride a week before the wedding and asked if she could come, and, oh, by the way, could she bring her new boyfriend? And cousin Sally called and said she assumed that being left off the list was an oversight, so she planned on being there--with her six kids. The poor bride was sent into a tailspin. After all, she loves her cousins. So she was left with a dilemma: more hurt feelings or going into debt.

Second, think about it from a broader perspective: It's not about you. Odds are good that you were not excluded because you offended, because you are insignficant to the host and hostess, or because you have an obnoxious personality that brings a good party to a crashing halt. It's pretty safe to say that you were left off the list for reasons that have nothing to do with you at all.

Third, think about it from a love perspective. How can we respond in a godly way to being left out, whether to a wedding or to something else? We can rejoice with God's good gift of marriage to the bride and groom. We can do all we can not to grieve the bride by letting on that we are hurt, or worse--by calling and asking why we weren't invited. We can also realize afresh that being willing to love means opening ourselves to the vulnerability of being hurt. It goes with the territory.

But how do we do this? We begin by asking God to change us. We can ask him to lift our focus outward and upward. We can also pour out our sorrow and feelings of rejection to him, and he will comfort us. We may never really know why we weren't invited, and we may have to cling to God for a season with those lingering feelings of rejection. If so, we can see it as an opportunity to know a little bit of what our Savior experienced. He offered more love than we ever could, yet he received primarily rejection. He knows what rejection feels like. "We do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin" (Heb. 4:15).

Taking Responsibility

In a culture that sues McDonalds for our own obesity we should not then be surprised that many blame God for their problems. . . . Understand this vital principle — you will never grow in gospel holiness until you acknowledge you alone, not God or anyone else, are responsible for your own sinful behaviour. This may be easy to say but it is very hard to practice daily. Until the alcoholic, for example, stops blaming his wife, friends, childhood trauma, or the devil’s tempting influence, then he will never make progress in holiness. Until the man given to outbursts of anger with his wife or children acknowledges that he is the culprit, not the tense circumstances of living with too little money, too little time; then he will make little progress in biblical holiness. Until the man addicted to porn quits blaming his miserable marriage or job, saying he only wants relief and a little pleasure; will he make progress in 'casting out the demon' of decadent passion. This is fundamental to gospel holiness. Quit passing the buck. Quit blaming God, your past, your circumstances, or the devil. I am not saying that these are not present, but you alone are responsible for your sinful actions.

This hard-hitting article by Allen M Baker, pastor of Christ Community Presbyterian Church in West Hartford, Connecticut, is a good note on which to end the week. You can read the whole thing by clicking here.

HT: Banner of Truth

Spiritual Depression

Why does God seem far off sometimes--especially when we're suffering? At such times, we most want to know his presence. Where is he? On the flipside, why is it that sometimes we find ourselves far off? We just can't get into reading the Word, and praying feelings like a chore on the to-do list.

In either case, we wonder what's going on, and we can find ourselves greatly troubled by it all. It is crucial that we think about this kind of experience in biblical categories. If we don't, we are bound to wind up in a state of spiritual depression. Martyn Lloyd-Jones wrote a book called Spiritual Depression that outlines its causes and cures. The book is currently out of print, but there are copies for sale floating around the web. If you're struggling with the relational aspects of life in Christ, this book can help significantly. One thing he says at the outset is that we must avoid obsessing on the problem. The Bible tells us to examine ourselves, but often we don't know how to go about it or when to draw a line in the sand so that self-examination doesn't become this sort of crippling self-obsession. MLJ writes this:

We are meant to examine ourselves periodically, but if we are always doing it, always, as it were, putting our soul on a plate and dissecting it, that is introspection. And if we are always talking to people about ourselves and our problems and troubles, and if we are forever going to them with that kind of frown upon our face and saying, "I am in great difficulty," it probably means that we are all the time centered upon ourselves. . . . We must talk to ourselves instead of allowing our selves to talk to us! . . . Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself?

Quote of the Week

"When what is due to the Lord is in question, it is with those nearest to you that you have to be most decided. . . . To take a definite stand for the Lord against influences which are not of him, even in those that you regard and truly love, secures great blessing."

--A. W. Pink, Gleanings in Exodus

Unequal Yoking, Part 2

Over the past few months I’ve received a significant number of emails from Christian women who are involved romantically with non-Christian men. The majority are struggling with one of two concerns—whether to stay in the relationship or how to get out of it. Believe me… I know from past personal experience how painfully hard this can be.

For those of you who are wondering about whether to continue the romantic relationship: at some level you already know the answer to your question, which is why you wrote to a Christian blogger in the first place. Likely, what you’re really seeking is a strengthened resolve to embrace what you already know is right, which is to get out of it. You are simply one step behind those who have written with the second concern—how to get out.

What, after all, can be gained from staying in it? “He might come to Christ through it,” is the answer we tend to latch onto. But Scripture nowhere supports that conclusion. Paul tells us not to be yoked unequally with unbelievers; that is, involved with them in such a way that the bond tends to pull us away from the path of discipleship, or waters down our faith, or inhibits God’s glory from being visible in our lives. Conversely, Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:22–33 what sort of qualities in a romantic relationship aid discipleship, strengthen our faith, and show off God’s glory. He is speaking specifically of marriage in that passage, but all those qualities—at least, the seeds of them—should be evident to some degree in every romantic Christian relationship. But that’s impossible unless both are committed believers. An unbelieving man, no matter how kind and thoughtful, simply does not care about protecting a woman’s holiness, or about loving her as Christ loves the church.

What about Paul’s words to wives married to unbelievers (1 Corinthians 7)? He told them to remain married in hopes of winning their husbands. But Paul wasn’t speaking to girlfriends; he was speaking to wives. It is the bond of marriage that is sacred in God’s eyes, whether the couple is Christian or not. We may think we’ll change our boyfriend over the long haul, but more often than not, the reverse happens. Women in love so easily become chameleons. It happens without us even being aware of it, one little compromise at a time.

The reason you are struggling with what to do is that, on the one hand, you do want to please God. You know you’re in a situation that spells spiritual danger, and you know you need to get serious about it. On the other hand, you’re in love. And you don’t want to hurt him. On top of that, you are deeply burdened by the fact that ending the relationship will perhaps destroy the seeds of faith in him that haven’t yet fully bloomed. So you’re stuck.

The great thing is that you're not really stuck. God is so much bigger than you and your situation. Your relationship and falling in love didn’t take God by surprise. Your struggle is not beyond the scope of God’s sovereignty. And the fact is that remaining in the relationship might actually be hindering your boyfriend’s coming to faith. Every time you compromise a spiritual value in his presence, you are, by doing so, telling him that God’s Word and all God says can’t really be trusted, or just isn’t all that important. If you leave your boyfriend and he is hurt in the process, perhaps, for the first time ever, he will cry out for God and really find him, since you are no longer blocking the way. If he turns farther away from God, well, then very likely he was far away to begin with, and any interest he showed in spiritual things was solely a way to have harmony with you.

Maybe someday he will come to faith. And God can always bring you back together at some later time. He may or may not. But one thing is sure: he always blesses obedience.