The Sin of Singleness? Part 2 in a Series on the Current Debate

Is singleness a sin? Some seem to be saying as much, although when asked to clarify they are quick to do so by excluding those with “the gift of celibacy," the ability to contain and control one's sexual desires, which, from what I understand from proponents of this view, is really only possible for those who don't have those desires. Are they basically saying that singleness is okay only for someone who doesn't have much of a sex drive? If so, this stance surely is, in part, a backlash to the growing number of selfish Christians--men and women--who simply delay marriage because of the responsibility, commitment, and sacrifice it requires.

The sex drive is probably the strongest fleshly drive in human beings, but men and women today—including Christian men and women (let's not kid ourselves)—are tapping into alternate and illicit means of fulfilling it. And “why buy the milk when you can get the cow for free” is as true now as it was in my grandmother’s generation. But mandating marriage as the only remedy is to go beyond Scripture, which also speaks of self-control and of Spirit-aided putting to death of all that interferes with active discipleship. We cannot mandate what Scripture doesn’t mandate or try to twist Scripture to back up our viewpoint.

Is singleness a sin? Not according to Paul. And not according to Jesus. In fact, Jesus clearly stated that choosing to be single for kingdom purposes is a good and blessed option. Specifically he said, “There are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it” (Matt. 19:12). What Jesus didn’t say is, “Let him accept it who is without a sex drive.” He named three categories of eunuchs here, and it seems clear from the third category that controlling the sex drive is a valid—and possible—choice.

Someone might make that choice and commit to it and yet still have the occasional battle with lust. Does that nullify the choice? Married people make a choice and commit to their marriage partner, and it is unlikely that they will never experience an extramarital temptation afterward. But the temptation does not nullify the marriage, anymore than the occasional temptation nullifies someone’s choice to be single for the sake of the kingdom. That being said, however, ongoing struggles with temptation and outright adultery can destroy a marriage; likewise, in the case of someone committed to singleness who is confronted with ongoing struggles, that single does well to reconsider the wisdom of staying single.

Jeremiah was forbidden by God to marry. Does that mean he didn’t have a sex drive? We don’t know. Did Paul have a sex drive? We don’t know. But we do know he was single, and it was a choice that he made for the sake of Christ. What we do know is that marriage wasn’t the most important priority in the lives of either Jeremiah or Paul—God was. The most important thing to them wasn’t “family values”; it was kingdom values, and marriage and sex were made subservient to that. Who, then, are we to say that maturity equals marriage?

Marriage was in their day and still is now the norm for God’s people. And rebuke is appropriate for commitment-phobic singles who twist biblical teaching to justify their delay of marriage. But if the rebuke takes the form of mandating marriage, it is nothing more than legalism. It’s also a refusal to wrestle with the gray areas. It's an attempt to establish a one-fits-all solution to something that, according to Jesus and Paul, God hasn’t made that cut-and-dried.

Evangelical leaders are quick to say it’s the men they are criticizing here, and I, as a woman, am so grateful that it is men who are calling men to repentance. That’s how it should be. But we cannot make the assumption that all women are languishing away because the men are committing “sin by singleness.” I, for one, as a single woman, can say that, much as I’d love to find a companion and serve in a biblical marriage, I am quite content with God’s ordering of my life today, which includes singleness. “Godliness with contentment is great gain,” Paul said, and he didn’t make singleness the exception. I know many other single women who are content, and, yep, they have sex drives. Does this mean they are sinning because they have desires and are content to be single? Certainly not. We all have appetites, and we are called to control them, whether or not we have opportunity to realize fulfillment in a physical way.

Our desire—whether to solve our own misery or to change some bad things in the church—is not license to legalize, to accuse, to twist Scripture into a weapon, or to be careless with our words.