Candid Words from a Would-Be Mother

A woman I know wants to have children, yet 10 years of hopes and prayers have not enabled her to conceive. This woman is a personal friend, and she has agreed to do an interview for The Purple Cellar. She shares with us what a baby-hopeful, godly couple has learned from their infertility about things such as in vitro, adoption, and marital intimacy. We aren’t using her real name; we’ve chosen to call her Hannah as a reflection of the biblical Hannah who so desperately wanted a child.

Hannah: First of all, let me say that I’ve had a bad attitude about Hannah off and on over the years, so I think it’s great that you’re calling me “Hannah.” I’ve never had a problem with faithful, trusting Hannah herself—it’s been the irritation of having countless people say, “Remember Hannah. God gave her a baby.” I usually would just nod and smile, but inside I would think things like Yes, I know. Trust me, I have that story down. Hannah certainly had a wonderful role to play in God’s redemptive plan. But there’s no guarantee that God will work things out for me as he did for Hannah. Shouldn’t you be encouraging me toward faith and hope even if God doesn’t enable me to conceive? What if God has something different in store for me? As you can see from that small sampling of my sinful attitude, at various times over the past decade you could easily have called me “Rachel”: “Give me children, or I shall die!” (said directly to God, not my husband).

TPC: What’s been the hardest thing about your inability to conceive? How about the best thing—an unexpected blessing, perhaps?

Hannah: The hardest thing has been having this deep, deep desire for my life that does not mesh with God’s desire for my life. This has caused me to doubt my salvation at times. How could I want something so strongly that God does not? How can my will be so opposite from God’s will? God wants my life to go down one path, and I want it to go down a completely opposite path. Is the Holy Spirit working at all in my life? Will I ever truly want to conform to God’s will? Will I ever honestly be able to say, “Not as I will, but as you will”? The best thing about my infertility has been God drawing me closer to my Savior through this trial. Like Hannah, I have wept bitterly and cried out to the Lord. But I’ve also had countless opportunities to be still and know that he is God, to learn more about the love of Jesus.

TPC: How has your marriage grown during the past 10 years?

Hannah: My marriage has faced various trials over the years, so it’s hard to pinpoint exactly which areas of growth are a direct result of the infertility. But the infertility has a way of creeping into other trials, of exacerbating other difficulties. It can be pervasive. We’ve had to come to understand and fight against that. Our communication has grown. There’s not much we won’t talk about with each other. We’ve had to cling together through our disappointments. When we’ve allowed our desire to have children to become an idol, we’ve had to confess our sin and tear down that idol together. We’ve cried together and gotten angry together. We’ve had look to Christ to satisfy our longings for our household.

TPC: What conclusions have you and your husband reached about alternate means of conception, such as in vitro?

Hannah: Christians facing infertility have to brush up on their biology and anatomy. I wish the church as a whole would do this more, considering that bioethical dilemmas are going to get hazier and more prevalent in the future. I have often felt that the church is one step (or ten years) behind. I pray that this would not be the case. We have explored a number of advanced reproduction technologies. In our specific case, however, only in vitro would give us a chance at conception. And we have opted not to try in vitro for various ethical reasons. We’ve gone back and forth on this, but “whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.” We’ve wrestled with the bioethical dilemmas, of course, but also the financial ones. We would end up spending a lot of money toward a procedure that quite possibly would not result in a pregnancy, when we could put that money toward adoption. Financial stewardship has always factored into our decision making. I recommend an article on bioethics by David VanDrunen, professor at Westminster Seminary California: http://www.wscal.edu/faculty/wscwritings/06.10.php.

TPC: From your years of experience, how can couples facing difficulties conceiving keep their sex life special when the conception issue is always at the forefront?

Hannah: It’s so easy to get bogged down in “baby making.” I don’t care if we have been arguing for the past two days, haven’t prayed together in a week, and are utterly exhausted. I have a very limited number of times a year to get pregnant, so let’s force this thing to happen! The main thing the helps us is just talking about it. Ignoring the elephant in the room doesn’t work for me. Even during those times when my husband and I have agreed that we need a break from the stress of actively trying to conceive, the issue is still there. We may try to banish it from the bedroom, but the issue has a way of hiding out somewhere in the closet or under the bed. I no longer believe that I have to bury this trial or ignore it in order to have meaningful intimacy in my marriage. What I need to do is go deeper than a monthly calendar and ovulation strips. It takes spiritual discipline on my part to continually focus on the truth that sex is a blessing from God—whether it results in a baby or not. In Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, John Piper writes that “sexuality is designed by God as a way to know God in Christ more fully.” It’s not just about conceiving children—and that’s a source of great hope and joy for couples like us.

TPC: I know you have investigated the possibility of adoption. Where has this exploration taken you?

Hannah: Scripture makes it evident that God is a big promoter of adoption. I have been adopted by God the Father through Jesus Christ (Eph. 1:5). Pure and undefiled religion includes visiting orphans (James 1:27). For a number of years, my husband and I were certain that the Lord was leading us to international adoption. We had always had a heart for international adoption, even before we new we wouldn’t be able to conceive. We have not had the heartache of a failed adoption, but three years ago my husband experienced a major health crisis that has since made us ineligible for most international adoptions. Now we are exploring foster care and domestic adoption. We have had a couple of interesting developments in the area of domestic adoption recently, but I have to be careful to keep my eyes on Christ and not on things that I think are “signs” of his leading. If for some reason we are never able to adopt, I must believe that God will have meant that for good, just as he has meant infertility for my good. Paul says “[God] made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times and the boundaries of their habitation, that they would seek God . . . for in Him we live and move and exist” (v. 26–28).Wouldn’t it be amazing if God had determined for a specific child (or children) to live at this time in my home so that he would come to know Jesus?